eeing my father lying on a hospital bed with a myriad of cords vined around him was what I expected given the news of his massive stroke. My brother and I received the call from our cousin that this may be our only opportunity to experience him in a state of coherence. Dad and I had a weathered history. I personally had not spoken to him in two years. When I arrived at his bedside, I knew I needed to make amends, but how? What do forgiveness and reconciliation look like? Were the boundaries I had put in place now going to be barriers?

Forgiveness, boundaries, trust, and reconciliation are interconnected, but they are not interchangeable. Understanding the differences can lead to healthier relationships, wiser decisions, and deeper healing.

In the New Testament, the Greek word most often translated as “forgive” is aphiemi, meaning “to release,” “to let go,” or “send away.” It carries the idea of the canceling of a debt rather than pretending the offense never occurred.

This concept is very different from how forgiveness is packaged both to the believer and unbeliever alike. All too often there is an enmeshment baked into our understanding of forgiveness. We feel shamed or coerced to forgive as if the offense never took place. On the contrary, forgiveness in its truest sense is as much an act of justice as it is an act of grace. Forgiveness is an action word that simultaneously releases the desire for personal revenge and aims to hold the offender accountable for their actions.

It does not require denying pain, minimizing wrongdoing, or excusing sinful behavior. Both the Biblical account and modern psychology echo the sentiment that while genuine forgiveness can reduce anxiety, depression, anger, and chronic stress, it does not automatically restore trust or require reconciliation. In other words, forgiveness changes the condition of the heart, but it does not rewrite history or eliminate the need for wisdom. Considering this, establishing boundaries serves an important purpose.

The phrase “setting boundaries” has become a staple psychological concept as it pertains to the topic of healthy relationships. Everyone seems to be setting boundaries, but it doesn’t often yield the fruit of its desired intent. Boundary setting without adequate knowledge of how to utilize them can build a barrier where a bridge could have been.

Both Scripture and the literature point to the setting of healthy boundaries as an act of wisdom. Boundaries create the opportunity to give, but not overextend. They afford an opportunity to sacrifice, but not to the point where we are scarred.

There is a misnomer within the broader Christian context that suggests boundaries are not “Christ-like.” This couldn’t be further from the truth.

Throughout the gospel accounts we see Jesus healing, delivering, and fellowshipping with His community but we also see Him slip away and “recharge.” We witness Him asking those whom He desired to heal if they desired the healing themselves first. Jesus understood the connection between their desire and His mercies. In human terms, we would say, “I cannot want something more for you, than you want it for yourself.”

Healthy boundaries leave space for deeper connection, while also teaching others how we want to be treated. Brené Brown puts it this way: “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”

Proverbs 4:23 instructs us to “above all else, guard our heart.” It is indeed Christ-like to both serve others and set up guardrails to protect our peace.

Standing at my father’s bedside I reached out and grabbed his hand. He was conscious but could not speak nor could he open his eyes. I began to recount our storied history. I reminded him of the wedge that had been between us. I recalled brief moments that had caused division. I then squeezed his hand and informed him that I was deeply apologetic for any wrong he felt I had done and that I was there to make things right.

Historically, my father and I had not been able to consistently discuss our feelings without an eventual “fallout” of some sort. However, this moment was different. I found myself communicating words that allowed us both to be on one accord. Dad squeezed my hand back after my apology as if in agreement and in that moment, reconciliation had taken place.

One individual can choose to forgive. Two people are required to reconcile. The New Testament uses the Greek word katallage to describe reconciliation, implying a relational nature that requires both parties to agree. Both scripture and relationship research agree that reconciliation requires several essential ingredients:

• genuine repentance rather than empty apologies
• personal accountability without blame shifting
• consistent behavioral change over time
• rebuilding trust through faithful actions
• emotional and physical safety

Forgiveness may happen in a moment. Reconciliation often unfolds over months or even years.

The distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation becomes especially important in situations involving domestic violence or coercive control. Abuse is not simply an argument or strong disagreement. Abuse happens when one’s autonomy is threatened or usurped whether physically, emotionally, financially, sexually or spiritually.

It is important to note that in no context is abuse in any form the will of God, nor does it have a place within the scope of the law of land. Many survivors of domestic abuse have been told that true forgiveness of the aforementioned offenses should result in a return to the relationship. We have learned that unrepentant, unchanged behavior is the indicator that reconciliation is not an option at the time. Forgiveness never requires someone to remain in danger. Scripture never teaches that reconciliation must occur at the expense of truth, justice, or personal safety. Choosing safety is not evidence of unforgiveness. It is an expression of wisdom.

God’s design for relationships includes both grace and wisdom. We are to forgive generously while valuing accountability and repentance. We hold ourselves and others to those standards. Healthy reconciliation is not the absence of consequences; it is the fruit of genuine transformation. The following progression is one those who seek healing can incorporate in their process:

1. Forgiveness releases the offense.
2. Boundaries protect the heart.
3. Trust is earned through consistent follow-through.
4. And reconciliation becomes possible only when genuine change has taken root.

It is important to note this progression does not always lead to reconciliation, nor is there a mandate for it to. It is simply a guideline one can follow if reconciliation is their goal.

It turns out my cousin was right — the last moments my brother and I had with our father were indeed his last coherent ones.

I truly believe he held on in hope that reconciliation with his sons would take place. Peace is the product of reconciliation. Peace is what my father desired from his relationship with his sons. Peace is God’s gift for those who seek it. God, through Jesus, has reconciled us to himself and has in turn given us the ministry of reconciliation.