Coping and Helping: Relating with Difficult People

Masterclass

by Delbert Baker

Two women sitting at a restaurant booth with coffee cups, turned away from each other during a disagreement.

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heryl had been praying for the same coworker for two years. She wanted to get along. But every Monday, the woman walked into the office and seemed to zero in on Cheryl with precision: cutting remarks, eye rolls, and credit taken for work that wasn’t hers. Cheryl had tried: kindness, distance, and prayer. Nothing seemed to work.

“I started dreading Mondays,” Cheryl told me. “Then I started to feel guilty because I knew what I was thinking about her.”

If you have ever felt that way, caught between the call to love and the reality of a relationship that drains you, you are in good company. Some of the most spiritually mature people in Scripture struggled with difficult people. Paul and Barnabas parted ways over John Mark. David endured years of Saul’s irrational hostility. Even Jesus was betrayed by someone He loved.

The question is not whether you will encounter difficult people. You will. The question is whether you will have a framework for navigating those relationships without losing your peace, your witness, or yourself.

FORGIVENESS AND TRUST

Here is where many get stuck: they conflate forgiveness with trust, and when they cannot bring themselves to fully trust someone who has repeatedly hurt them, they conclude that their forgiveness must be incomplete.

Forgiveness is commanded; it is a decision of the will, a release of the debt, an act of grace extended regardless of what the other person does or says. Trust, on the other hand, is built. It requires a track record of changed behavior. You can fully forgive someone and still set a boundary. These two things are not in conflict. They are both expressions of wisdom.

IF POSSIBLE

Romans 12:18 does not say, “Live peaceably with all men.” It says, “If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.” That qualifier, if possible, as much as lieth in you, is significant. It acknowledges that peace sometimes depends on another person’s cooperation, rather than on manufacturing results you cannot control.

GOD’S WORK

Cheryl’s story did not have a clean ending. Her coworker never became her friend. But something changed in Cheryl. “I realized,” she said, “that God was using her to show me things about myself I would never have seen in comfortable relationships.”

That coworker. That family member. That neighbor who tests every virtue you thought you had. They may be the very relationship through which God is making you more like Jesus.

P.E.A.C.E. FRAMEWORK

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Pause before reacting.

The first response is rarely the best one. A moment of silence, a breath, a brief prayer can mean the difference between escalation and wisdom.

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Examine the situation.

Ask yourself: Is this person difficult, or are they hurting? What is going on beneath the behavior? Behind many difficult behaviors is a story of pain.

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Apply grace and truth.

Grace without truth becomes enablement. Truth without grace becomes cruelty. Our goal in difficult relationships is not to win but to be gracious.

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Create healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are not walls. They are the terms under which a relationship can continue in a healthy direction. Setting a boundary is not a failure of love.

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Entrust the outcome to God.

This is the hardest step, and the most necessary. You are not responsible for changing anyone. You are responsible for your own responses.

KNOW THIS

Four habits of relationally mature people

Pause before reacting: the first response is rarely the wisest one.
Listen for the hurt behind the behavior: difficult people are usually hurting people.
Set healthy boundaries: they protect the relationship, not just yourself.
Speak truth with grace: neither silence nor harshness serves the goal of peace.

TRY THIS

Pray for that difficult person daily. Not about them, but for them.
Identify one healthy boundary you need to establish or maintain.
Look for one opportunity to extend genuine grace.
Ask God: What do You want to teach me through this relationship?

CHECK THIS

Four habits of relationally mature people

☐ I react immediately.
☐ I replay the conflict repeatedly.
☐ I seek understanding before responding.
☐ I maintain both kindness and clear limits.

PRAY THIS

A prayer for peacemakers and a path to go deeper: Lord, help me to deal with difficult people the way You deal with me — with patience, wisdom, truth, and grace. Teach me to be a peacemaker without compromising what is right. Where I have been wounded, bring healing. Where I have wounded others, bring conviction and courage to make it right. Amen.

GO DEEPER

Study Romans 12, Ephesians 4, and Matthew 18. Read The Ministry of Healing (Social Relations chapter) and Steps to Christ (Forgiveness). Explore Emotional Intelligence resources, Conflict Resolution training, and Healthy Boundaries literature.

Delbert Baker, Ph.D., is an international educator, author, and certified executive leadership coach. He is a former President of Oakwood University and the Adventist University of Africa in Nairobi Kenya.

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