BY JOHN AND APRIL NIXON

ne of the great things about marriage is the idea that you never have to do life alone. There’s an assumption that, for the rest of your existence, you have someone to share your days and nights with. Marriage is supposed to be the ultimate cure for loneliness. After all, it was the Ecclesiastes writer who said, “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, NLT).

Yet, sadness and loneliness are regular features of many marriages, not to mention feelings of rejection—a silent marriage killer. According to the American Psychological Association, “[feeling completely dismissed] increases anger, anxiety, depression, jealousy and sadness.” Repeated patterns of rejection can develop into something very serious.

We were recently introduced to a new term to describe people who fall into this category. The term is “incel” or involuntarily celibate and describes mostly single “men between the ages of 18-25 who typically express extreme resentment and hostility toward those who are sexually active” (Merriam-Webster). Many of them have been hurt by women, which causes them frustration and feelings of failure. The years of rejection cause them to resent women. They have been known to meet online and discuss their extreme hatred and sometimes become violent because of it.

Our question today is, can one be an “incel” even while married? That probably depends on whether the married person is feeling some of the same things that incels feel. Marriages with longstanding sexual rejection, disrespect, loneliness, and even resentment could have incel tendencies. But what if your spouse is the one feeling like an incel and you’re unaware of it? Here are four symptoms of rejection in marriage you can look for to insure your relationship won’t fall into this category:

PHYSICAL PAIN

Our brains respond to rejection the same way it responds to pain. “MRI studies show that the same areas of the brain become activated when we experience rejection as do when we experience physical pain” (Psychology Today). Another study done by a group of psychologists discovered that when those who experienced emotional trauma were given Tylenol, their emotional pain subsided the same way pain killers would be effective for the physical body. In other words, feelings of rejection are as serious and detrimental as physical pain. We would do well to keep this in mind for the success of our marriages.

NEED FOR BELONGING

Everyone needs to feel accepted. We all long for at least one place where we can let our guard down and be completely ourselves, without the need for pretense, and marriage should be that safe place. Feeling unwanted can leave one in a continual state of disconnect and will most certainly encourage turning away from your partner. If acceptance is never reached it will eventually lead to contempt.

ANGER AND AGGRESSION

In 2001, the Surgeon General of the U.S. issued a report stating that rejection was a greater risk for adolescent violence than drugs, poverty, or gang membership (Psychology Today). Constant rejection can lead people to take out their anger on those that they love. However, that aggression can be turned toward themselves where there are thoughts of self-harm or even suicide. Feeling unseen and overlooked has more of an impact on the emotional psyche than most expect.

LACK OF SELF-ESTEEM

When we are consistently rejected, especially romantically, we often turn the blame on ourselves. And “research shows that when people integrate experiences of rejection into their own self-image, the impact lingers.” It’s easy to find fault inwardly as a way to deal with the “why” of what has taken place. Getting in touch with our partner’s feelings regularly can work wonders in this area. Commit to having open and honest conversations with your spouse about how your actions impact their self-image. Try your best to remain open and non-defensive through the process.

Marriage is supposed to be the ultimate cure for loneliness, but in many unions isolation abounds. It doesn’t have to be this way. By paying special attention to, and accepting your partner, paying attention to their needs and remaining open to bids for connection, you can keep incel tendencies at bay.

JOHN AND APRIL NIXON are content creators with a passion for relationship coaching. You can catch them live every Wednesday night at 9 p.m. EST on their Just John & April YouTube channel. Follow them on IG and FB @justjohnandapril.