This is one of the reasons why so many couples avoid conflict with every fiber of their beings. After all, who wants to adopt something that seems harmful? So we embrace avoidance instead. Yes, avoidance is probably the biggest factor in unresolved conflict. But what if we told you the road to total intimacy leads through conflict, and that if we can learn to face it head-on, we would be much more connected with our spouse?

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“Even happily married couples can have screaming matches—loud arguments don’t necessarily harm a marriage,” according to John Gottman, renowned marriage expert.

Happy marriages have conflict and sometimes heated ones, but that does not mean you are headed in the wrong direction. It just means you are a normal couple who’s trying to be heard and understood.

Proverbs 14:29 gives us some advice on how to approach conflict: “Slowness to anger makes for deep understanding; a quick-tempered person stockpiles stupidity” (MSG).

In other words, it’s more important to keep your temper in check so you can reach deep understanding than it is for you to avoid having the conversation in the first place. Instead, our mindset should be to communicate honestly and openly in order to come to a resolution.

We like to think of it as “resolutionary” communication (yes we made up a new word), the second of the four pillars of total intimacy.

Resolutionary communication is all about talking to your spouse with the intent to resolve conflict, without reluctance. Here are some things to keep in mind as you seek to communicate in a resolutionary way:

1. Change Your Mindset: Remember that conflict can and should be a positive encounter. A disagreement can take place without having a fight. So commit to creating a positive experience with your significant other. If you go into it without blaming or trying to be right, there is a higher chance of having a civilized conversation where one can express their feelings while the other one listens for understanding.
2. Map it Out: Go in with a plan. Think through the steps of your conversation: How will you start the exchange? When will you bring it up? What will you do if things go sideways? How long do you plan to talk? Try to anticipate your spouse’s “worst-case-scenario” response and decide how you’ll respond to keep things from escalating into the negative zone. If you prepare for the conversation, you won’t be caught off guard when things don’t go as you thought they might.
3. Take Charge of Your Emotions: Going into the conversation with a calm demeanor is key, so take some time to get your mood in check. Most people underestimate their ability to control their feelings so they don’t even try. Make sure you are aware of how you are really feeling and question why you feel the way you do. This way you can validate your emotions and remind yourself that you are worth being heard.
4. Don’t Hesitate: Instead of putting things off, take some small immediate action to get the ball rolling towards resolutionary communication. You may not be emotionally ready to have the full conversation right away, but you could suggest a later meeting to discuss the issue that concerns you. Don’t let things fester.

You may not be fully comfortable with confrontation and that’s okay. Most people will never grow to love conflict. But if you commit to making conflict as positive an experience as possible, by using the strategies of resolutionary communication, it will continue to get easier over time.

Yes, conflict can be scary at times but it can also be a powerful conduit for a deeper and more meaningful intimacy in your relationship, if you have the courage to face it. It’s the only way to achieve your total intimacy.