ccording to Time, “phubbing is…snubbing someone you’re talking to [by] looking at a cell phone.” We have all done it at one time or another. You are at a restaurant with your bae but you find yourselves looking down instead of into each other’s eyes. You come home from work and you unintentionally begin scrolling through your emails. You are sitting at the dinner table and your good friend texts you some interesting news. It has happened to us all, but is it something that is detrimental to our relationships?
“Ironically, phubbing is meant to connect you, presumably, with someone through social media or texting,” says Emma Seppälä, a psychologist at Stanford and Yale universities and author of the Happiness Track. However, it disconnects you from your in-person relationships and disrupts the interaction that could have potentially taken place. Yet, it’s clear that phubbing is a socially accepted part of the modern relationship dynamic. These days everyone knows you simply must check your phone. And because this practice is so ubiquitous, it seems that it must not be too detrimental. But the research suggests otherwise.
Phubbing may seem harmless in the moment, but as the behavior continues from day-to-day it can cause a plethora of mental health issues that can affect your everyday encounters. According to Healthline.com, “One study found that texting during a face-to-face conversation made the experience less satisfying for everyone involved, even the guilty phubber.” Another study shows phubbing negatively impacts self-esteem. In the latest study on the subject, phubbing was found to threaten four “fundamental needs”—belongingness, self-esteem, meaningful existence and control—by making phubbed people feel excluded and ostracized. That sounds much more serious than we first believed.
Imagine the kind of toll that consistent phubbing can take on a marriage during quarantine? The reality is that phubbing is a modern form of turning away from your spouse. Like hiding behind your newspaper in the 1960s or turning up the TV in the 1980s, phubbing is keeping us distracted from our significant other to the detriment of our relationship, and we should do something about it.
If you’re constantly on the receiving end of phubbing there’s good news; your boo probably isn’t doing it on purpose. John Gottman says, “Couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.” That means the cure to this problem could be as simple as paying more attention. Nicholas Carr, author of The Shallows: What the Internet Is Doing to Our Brains, points to research that indicates “self-distraction has become a permanent, unconscious habit for many people.” And Zach Brittle, certified Gottman therapist says, “Turning towards [your spouse] starts with paying attention.” So it sounds like couples who are committed to turning off the autopilot and being deliberate about their technology practices can take back what their phone habits have robbed from their relationship.
Here are a few relationship tech hacks that could help you to overcome your phubbing addiction:
Park and Reply
The best way to connect with your spouse is to give them your full attention as soon as you get home from work. Those first five minutes are crucial, so make sure your emails and texts messages have been responded to before you get home. This could mean parking somewhere before you get home to answer texts and emails so you won’t have that distraction once you walk through the door.
Use a Phone Basket
Dinner time can be an intimate experience in any family. Why not have a rule that everyone puts his or her phones away in a basket when it’s time for dinner? This way there’s no temptation to pick up your phone while you should be interacting with your loved one.
One-Hour Phone Fast
You really don’t need your phone but it sometimes feels like you do. To reinforce this idea, try turning it off for one hour in the middle of the day when you’re usually on it. While it’s off, spend that time connecting with your significant other.
Finally, we must remember that what’s on our phones is virtual but the person sitting across from us is real. Let’s spend more time in reality being present for the few face-to-face interactions we get to have these days.
