BY JOHN AND APRIL NIXON

n our line of work, we probably get a variation of one question more often than any other —“What is the key to a lasting relationship?”

People might assume our answer would be a simple, “love” and nothing more. Indeed, love is a critical component for any healthy relationship, but that would not be our answer. It turns out love needs one more component to take it to the next level, another ingredient, if you will. That secret ingredient is friendship and it’s probably the most underrated ingredient in relationships that thrive.

If love is the most foundational ingredient for relational success then friendship is the most influential, and can often forecast romantic enjoyment. Research shows that “Friendship is at the core of any strong relationship, and… is an important predictor of both romantic and physical satisfaction.” Some research has gone so far as to find “that friendship in a marriage is five times more important than physical intimacy.” That seems to elevate the subject of being friends with your spouse, doesn’t it?

Even Jesus puts friendship and love together in John 15:13 when he says, “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends (ESV).” Love and friendship together are able to create something more intimate and beautiful between two people. For as John Gottman puts it “friendship fans the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse”

Friendship encourages you to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt in situations where you might be tempted to think less of him or her because of something Gottman calls “Positive Sentiment Overide.” The positive thoughts you have built up through your friendship will actually supersede any negative feelings that come up from time-to-time. This will actually help you to get through the hardships that would sink another couple who doesn’t have an established friendship in their marriage.

2. Cultivate An Environment Of Trust: Trust is another important feature of a true friendship. Try to think of this like your girlfriend or your homeboy from college. What were the things that were important to you back then when choosing your friends? If I share a secret with my spouse will she keep it to herself? If I reveal my true feelings about this subject will he make me feel shame for feeling that way? Don’t overthink it. Give each other the same trust you would expect from your closest friend.

3. Preserve Your Friendship: Find excuses to connect with one another in non-romantic ways as much as possible. Play video games together, watch a comedy show so you can laugh together, or even play pickle ball with each other. Create reasons for collaboration and cooperation and fun and your friendship will grow and flourish in no time.