“It is virtually impossible for people to [listen] unless they believe the other person understands, respects and accepts them for who they really are,” says author, relationship expert John Gottman. Acceptance is the foundation for all human relationships and if it’s missing from your marriage the results could be deep hurt, resentment, and even contempt.
We’d like to challenge you to move past the baseline act of acceptance to something deeper and more meaningful called Radical Acceptance, one of the four pillars of total intimacy.
Let’s start with some definitions. We define acceptance as “recognizing your partner’s uniqueness and determining not to change him or her” (John and April). Radical means, “departing markedly from the usual or customary; extreme or drastic.” So, radical acceptance is extreme acceptance or drastic acceptance. We like using this modifier because it gives the impression that you’re stretching yourself to embrace your partner fully. As we said, everyone needs acceptance, but that is basic. If you want to level up intimacy, you have to achieve radical acceptance.
Radical acceptance is more along the lines of appreciation. Appreciation—“recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone or something” (dictionary.com). Psalm 139:14 ESV says, “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works. My soul knows it very well.” God does not make mistakes and when we don’t appreciate our spouse as God’s creation, we are saying God did something wrong. Jeremiah 1:5 ESV says, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you…” God had a plan when He created your spouse, as He did with you. Appreciating them is a way of accepting God’s deliberate design.
Radically accepting one another fully can be a difficult task, but there are steps you can take to get your relationship to a stage of appreciation towards one another. Here are three radical steps you can take to move from tolerance to acceptance to radical acceptance/appreciation.
Embrace Your Unique Partner: 1 Corinthians 12:18 reminds us that “God placed each part of the body just as He wanted them to be…” God deliberately created your spouse the way He did on purpose. That makes their worth just as sacred as yours. So be gentle with it and don’t go in with a screwdriver trying to fix what God “messed up.” He doesn’t mess up! And your ability to see that will unlock your intimacy as a couple.
Caressing Your Lover’s Heart: John 13:34 teaches to “…Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.” Every lover has a different way they like to be loved. If you have taken the love language assessment then you know exactly how you and your partner want to be loved. Even if you haven’t taken the assessment, we as lovers know enough about our spouse to know what caresses their heart. Radically accepting each other’s love language means that even if you see it as a burden, you are willing to do what it takes to show that love. The more you do it, the easier it will become and the more enjoyment you will get out of showing that love.
When you radically accept your spouse, you are able to say, “I love you just the way you are.” You lose your desire to change who they are at their core. Accepting others may not come naturally to us, but God can help us to achieve this otherwise impossible feat. If we can remember daily how God shows us His love and acceptance, we can then radically accept each other fully.
