UNsaid

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Seven Secrets to Avoid Ruining Your Relationships

By Omar Miranda

ost people feel the strong urge to express themselves all the time because they have a poor self worth. I was one of them. However, after learning to practice silence, stillness, solitude, and steeping, the realization sinks in: “I am priceless — not because of anything that I’ve done, experienced, or attained, but simply because Jesus died for me.”

Jesus Himself said: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16, NIV). Once I realized that, I was secure! And once I realized that I was secure and eternally loved, I realized that I didn’t need to prove anything to anybody.

I don’t have to be a fool — always trying to assert myself and express everything I’m thinking, feeling, and believing. In addition to coming off as a fool, I realized that I hurt others with my tongue for so long.

The Bible indicates, that a Christian with mastery of his or her mouth needs to “act backwards” than how they normally act.

“Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires” (James 1:19, 20, NLT). “The Message” Bible translation renders this verse like this: “Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear. God’s righteousness doesn’t grow from human anger.”

Taming the Tongue

James, the half-brother of Jesus, and father and leader of the early church, made this life-altering challenge about speech in his letter (many call this book the “Proverbs” of the New Testament, because of such relevant stuff):

“Responding requires thought, whereas reacting is instinctive.”

“Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check. When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.” (James 3:1-12, NLT).

The Secret of The Seven “Ss”

My wife has wisely said: “It’s important to say the right thing, in the right way, at the right time.” Frankly, I’ve found the issue of controlling my tongue to be the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. So, here, for your consideration and edification, are the seven things — the seven “secrets”— I’ve learned in the past year. My hope is that they will be as much of a blessing to you and your relationships as they have been to me:

Solitude
We don’t like to be alone because we can’t impress anyone when we’re alone, other than posting on social media. Solitude makes us uncomfortable but it’s good for us to have solitude every day. It’s not healthy to always be around people all the time nor is it healthy to be by yourself all the time. Balance is key.

Silence
We don’t like to be silent because we can’t show people how awesome we are when we’re silent, unless we’re doing it to show off. (For example, when someone says or does something mean or disrespectful to us and we don’t respond verbally…but then we make sure to find a way to let other people know how awesome and more mature than that person we are by not responding…well, you get the picture.)

Stillness
We don’t like to be still because we can’t achieve anything being still; and if we can’t achieve anything, then we can’t brag about it; and if we can’t brag about it then we can’t feel good about ourselves. But if you’re trying to see the bottom of a muddy pond, stop splashing around and the water will be clear. God can’t heal what you don’t allow Him to reveal, so be still!

Steeping
The truths and principles of the word of God are powerful — but only if you allow them to be. Medicine is only as effective as you allow it to stay in your system. Imagine you’re sick and you go through the bother of going to the doctor, getting a diagnosis, getting a prescription, taking it to the pharmacy to get it filled, getting home and then taking it, only to spit it out. There would be no wondering when you didn’t feel better. I know it’s a silly example, but many times we do that same thing with the Bible and prayer. We don’t take the time to allow those things to deeply and fully absorb into our lives.

Sifting
Once you’ve been alone, silent, still, and allowed the truths of God to seep into your souls, you are then finally able to interact with others. When you are responding to something someone has said, ask the Holy Spirit to allow you to discern thoughts and feelings from God versus thoughts that are from you.

Space
Don’t rush to respond quickly to something someone says. If they have a problem with you taking your time, let them know that you value them and their relationship so much that you don’t want to say something hurtful. You want to do everything in your power to not be misunderstood or misinterpreted. This means that you have to take care and time in carefully forming your response. By the way, make sure that you respond and don’t react. There’s a difference. Responding requires thought, whereas reacting is instinctive.

Softness
Lastly, when you respond to someone, make sure that you do it with kindness and be gentle. Always seek to be filled with grace and mercy and truth. Ask yourself, Are my words and the way I am communicating them gentle, grace-filled, kind, and for this other person’s good? Or, am I doing this to get this off my chest, or to make this person pay, or to make myself look better?

In The End
Each of these seven secrets are all about making them the rule rather than the exception. To grow spiritually and emotionally in the search for holiness, and for the restoration of relationships, we get slower in our reflection and responses. Through God’s empowerment we’ll continue to get better and slower, and that’s a good thing!

OMAR MIRANDA works as a freelance writer, author, lay-pastor, and a counselor. He writes from Plainville, Georgia

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