BY JOHN AND APRIL NIXON

et’s be honest, everybody lies, but especially those who are in committed relationships. Though most people agree that lying to your spouse is not a healthy practice, it is often the most comfortable option so we sometimes rely on untruths to get us through.

“Lying is quite common in relationships,” says Manhattan-based licensed clinical psychologist Joseph Cilona, PsyD. We even find ourselves using other words to characterize it so that we don’t feel quite so bad about it. Words like: fib, story, tale, and white lie. We tell “little white lies” to our partner to help keep the peace, smooth things over, stop a fight from happening, or to spare their feelings.

“That dress looks good on you.” Or, “Nothing is wrong; I’m fine” helps us avoid dealing with the possible aftermath of truthfulness in that instance. The truth is, these little white lies may seem harmless but they can often grow into something dangerous and debilitating for our relationships.

Just in case you have excused yourself from this conversation, let’s identify a white lie. Psychology Today says, “A white lie is usually a trivial falsehood said in a tactful way.” Most of the time these little lies are “offered to flatter,” and some to “avoid hurt feelings.” But small falsehoods like these can eventually have big consequences like eroding trust, a key ingredient in all healthy relationships.

Dr. Mary Elizabeth Kaplar, author of Lying Happily Ever After says, “[most couples lie] for altruistic reasons, like avoiding conflict.” However, she was surprised to find that even “nice lies” hurt relationship satisfaction.

No wonder Colossians 3:9a says, “Do not lie to one another…” (ESV). Here, the Apostle Paul encourages us to cultivate an atmosphere of truthfulness in our relationships. Kaplar concluded that people should “be direct, even when the truth isn’t fun, rather than telling soothing, white lies.” We must become comfortable with the more difficult act of “…speaking the truth in love…” (Ephesians 4:14, NIV), so that our marriages can reach optimal intimacy.

There are three common categories of lies that we should avoid if we want to build a foundation of trustworthiness and confidence in our relationships. They are:

2. Combat Evasion Lies: These are lies we tell to avoid conflict. When it’s clear that sharing our true feelings will lead to an argument, we often hide behind what Dr. Alison Block, from Health Psychology Center, calls “buffering lies” that we use to put a “cushion” around the marriage so that it is not damaged. If our spouse tends to overreact or blow up when upset, we may prefer the lie to save ourselves hours of heartache. “People often view potential conflict as worse than the lie itself,” says Block. The only problem is that unresolved conflict will rise again and the next time it may be stronger than before.

3. Mutant Lies: These are big lies meant to deceive in order to hide major relationship violations like infidelity or gambling the family savings away. These lies often require a continuous series of untruths that can mutate into even bigger lies to conceal the hurtful behavior. The intention is to deceive and to keep one’s partner in the dark about what is actually going on behind closed doors. Mutant lies usually affect more than one person and can cause several people emotional heartache and pain. It is often more difficult to recover from this type of lie because it breaches trust on multiple levels.